First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
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[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea