Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
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If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Mood.. 😂
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
i hate you platonically
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals