A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
scared to check what name she chose
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
For the orator and chef in all of us
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok