Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
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How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Meow
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”