we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
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7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
car not found
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.