Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
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I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…