The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
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Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
happy friday
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Based Erika
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them: