Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
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*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.