This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
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“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.