Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
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The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
yall want some gasoline milk
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up