Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
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While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed