Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
You Might Also Like
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
This trial is so absurd 😭
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.