Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
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wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Oh my god
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
scares
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals