Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
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BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.