What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
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7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
When he asks for feet pics
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.