Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
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Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”