In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
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since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
NASA has no chill
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
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