Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
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my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
why am I working on Labor Day
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes