Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
You Might Also Like
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance