[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
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Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more