5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
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Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Autocarrot sucks!