me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
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Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand