Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
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Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°