Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
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walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Lmao 🤣
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
#FunnyLife Insects
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s