Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
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if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”