The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
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[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.