My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
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some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Monday
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
What in the hell is “disposable income”?