Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
You Might Also Like
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.