Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
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What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.