Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
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“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Oh no
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
This sounds bad:
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling