My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
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[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.