“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
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Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.