Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
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*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Always the camel, never the toe.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
We avoided this particular disaster
Whoa… oh I see lol
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Going to church you guys need anything
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.