Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
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*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
A flock of dads is called a grill.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.