I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
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When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Best seat on the street 😍
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.