I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
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[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.