doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
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I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
as is their right
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”