My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
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The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula