Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
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[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.