Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
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Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.