[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
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*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
The first one, obviously
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.