Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
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If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave