Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
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20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Spotted in New Orleans.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
lmao
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”