I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
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Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
One of the best
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug