[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
You Might Also Like
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.