To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
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Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”