It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
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I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.