in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
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Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?