Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
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[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….