I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
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For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
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I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.